I started to wonder: "What the hell does that even mean?" I say it so often that I think I have sucked all the life out of my little phrase. My definition for it is when I feel an emotion I have no name for. Kind of like when you aren't sad, but not particularly happy either. I can't call it indifferent, because I feel SOMEthing. My "feeling some kinda way" is similar to Tiha's blues, it is when I am the most creative and productive. I do not produce well on Cloud 9, I think it has something to do with the altitude, *shrugging*. Seriously though, if you were to check out my other blog you will notice when I am feeling confused or "le sigh" is when the best (in my opinion, which ain't a bad opinion at all) ,most intimate, and most relatable to my fans (all 4 of them). So I retract my response on facebook , I now say, "Feeling some kinda way BETTER be turned into something good or it is just a waste"
I don’t see anything wrong with being bummed out sometimes. Having been seriously depressed at one time in my life, I do know the difference, and I know all of the catchy terms for it too to give to the insurance company ;)
Now for all of you out there who just cant get down with being down, I have an injection of silver on this cloud for you (in my own sick and twisted way). The more we artists (and no I’m not speaking for all artists, just the ones I know and run with) get our personal time to be down, the more art we can produce for your consumption. Some of us produce from personal insight, so leave us alone so we can purge some content from our tortured souls. whooaaa, this post took a strange a little turn there. Let me get back to the point.
Love the artists in your lives, love yourselves, and let it do what it do! (yeah that’s the point)
Okay, I know I said I was going to answer Tiha's blog from last week, but I can't, because I am moody and in a weird place, so it is hard for me to focus right now. So, with that being said, my blog partner and I were chatting on IM today, as usual, and went off an an interesting tangent. She was lamenting about her current mind state. Here is a snippet of the conversation:
alisenikkole: how goes it?
T 2U: you know sometimes, i get tired of being a moody artist ruled by her emotions
T 2U: sometimes i want to be like a drone and be able to just shut it off, the emotional stuff
T 2U: sometimes i want to be a lemming and be able to go along with no problems
T 2U: that is how it is going for me
alisenikkole: dang..... i get to feeling like that sometimes myself, particularly this past weekend... I guess that's the whole ignorance is bliss idea of thinking with the whole rather be a lemming hing
alisenikkole: and u think that's what u want, but you don't, there's a whole other set of feelings attached when you go thru life like that, so basically i am saying:
alisenikkole: we are all screwed, lol
T 2U: lol!
All of this to say, how does an artist deal with the moodiness, weirdness, depression, or whatever you want to call it without alienating everyone/thing? Also, does anyone else feel this way too? (Seriously, we would like some feedback on this one, remember this is our therapy and sh*t....)
And since I referenced the song, here it is:
U Send Me Swingin - Mint Condition
"If I Had My Own Business" by eysqueen
Check out Odara's post about her abhorrence of office potlucks: "It Ain't Personal"
Check out my Hate on Luvvie series over at my personal blog.
Then go get your fill of ignance over at Luvvie's blogspot.
Talk about what you want for Christmas over at Three Ways to Take It's blogspot: "The Three Ways Wish List"
Get some advice over at the Hey You Asked blogspot.
Check out the lovely Monica and all her Monicaliciousness in the post: Monicaliciousness and other thoughts on 27
Have fun with my blog family over at Very Smart Brothas. (Hey Champ & Panama!!!)
Last and definitely not least check out one of my favorite bloggers in the wide wide world Suga, over at Naked & Natural.
If I had my own business, what would it be like? hmmmmm. Well since I want to do a couple of things with my business/career, I’ll just make a general overview of the office life.
Yes, I’d like an office, I would like to get up in the morning and drive to my office. sweet! I don’t want to work from home, but I would like the option for when I can’t make the trek to the office. Or have the option to telecommute when I’m out of town (on my world tour). My office would be staffed with either college students or older folks who have retired and just want something to do during the day, for the administrative stuff. I don’t believe that being an administrator/secretary should be a life long endeavor, and I want people who know that this position will not be for them, forever. I need some jovial, sense of humor having low wage workers for the office stuff ;)
The other workers would be my partners, not subordinates. No way, dude. If I need a junior whatever (junior editor, junior web designer, appetence) they are going to be college students who need real world experience to graduate. Someone I can mold and guide and give a chance to, just like all the people who have given me a chance, paying it forward. Again, this will not be a position that lasts forever. I’m ok with having a revolving door for these smaller positions. I want my office to be a learning and creative environment that fosters innovation.
My partners and I would have meetings that are about something! Updates that cant be emailed and creative development sessions. I want my partners and me to have open communication, be aware of the projects we are all working on, without stupid fears of people taking ideas or some of the other petty stuff that I encounter on a daily basis. Even if we all don’t do the same thing, I still think its cool to know what the other folks are doing. For example, in one of my professions, I’m an online designer/e-learning designer and I share an office with 2 computer guys. One of the guys works hardware and connectivity, the other works software and security. We all do different things, but we all still need each other, and we will probably share clients.
And I’d have an accountant and a lawyer. I’m sure I don’t need to explain why.
I know this kind of office exists because it’s the kind of office my dad has, and has always maintained when he went into business for himself. 14 yrs he’s been in business for himself, and 14 yrs he hasn’t had any problems with his office culture. And yes I was the student for awhile that would do the admin stuff over the summer. It taught me a lot about how an office should function and what’s effective and what isn’t. I actually liked working in his office, even when I was the coffee girl trudging through the snow in downtown Boston.
So anyway, partner, what does your office or business look like?
Okay, I am really feeling myself. (Boys, get your minds out the gutter) I just got a sudden surge of über-confidence. I am doing some behind the scenes things right now that are going to be awesome for me, my future career, and even this blog. Soon I will be revealing some of the things I discussed in the fear. post. As Omar said in the clip above, "Even if I miss I can't miss!" I am really feeling that. Even in the midst of all the sad things going on with our world and our economy, I am optimistic anyway. I have made some baby steps such as self publishing a book*, hopping on more stages, and finally tackling that short story that has been "scary @ me" for so long. I am sticking to my goals and I can't wait to unveil the fabulous me. So enjoy your "Cube Sabbath Day" and have a vanglorious, splendiferous, funrageous** weekend!!!
*All the cool kids and Luvvie are buying "Alise in Wonderland"
**No dictionaries were harmed in the creation of those words
end of my Thursday ramble. I start my much needed vacation tomorrow and I’m about tapped out of blog ideas. my partner is going to seriously roast my tail for flaking out during my vacation, but she already know how I feel about the net. She knows, and now you know, I hate being online. So my vacation WILL NOT be spent online. Seasons Greetings ya’ll!
Alise: ohh gosh
Alise: pure fool
T 2U: that's how i start my morning
T 2U: with a good song about vengeance
Alise: well i used to ride in to work everyday bumping 2Pac's "F*ck the World"
Alise: "I woke up screaming f*ck the world"
I love music, in fact people who don't scare me, and I swear my life has a soundtrack. You have songs that put you in the mood for love, songs you play when you are happy, tunes you spin when you are sad, and then you have music that mentally prepares you for your day at work. What songs are your make it through work essentials? I'll list mine too in the comments, join in the fun!
In a previous post, and as I still try to exercise my demons from xmas past, I talked about how the absence of Santy Claus affected me. The following is a news article in which a little girl writes a letter to Santa Claus and discloses that she'd been molested, for years. The letter led to the capture of her abuser. Kids need Santy!
This concludes my commentary alert. Thank You.
As much as I am an obsessive blog writer, I also am an obsessive blog reader. There are many blogs that I read on a daily basis, or I should say whenever they are updated. So the blogs on my blogroll to the right, I really do read. The whole network of bloggers is an awesome thing I have become a part of. I have done some serious networking, met e-friends that became real friends, and have gotten my voice out in a way I never could have imagined. The thing that blogs and the "inna-nets" have done that mean the most are INSPIRE. One such example is a post on the Coming of Age : "Find Your Passion and Run With It". Definitely go check it out. One thing that the blog made me think of is how no matter how much I run from what I love, it still seems to track me down like a stalker ex-boyfriend, yeah, it's that serious. My bad, had a flashback, but I am back on track now. But really, I think of ways I sidestepped my passion and something kept nudging me back into the game. This was my comment to her blog, and really go read it, it is an awesome post.
Writing and performing poetry is my deepest love. I am so glad I finally am taking steps to make it part of my everyday and eventually career. I neglected writing for a long time, but it always found its way back. No lie, it 'bumrushed' my life, I would have my mama ask me to pen a quick little something for a program, or I would cleverly string words together to help a friend down in the dumps, or even asked to word a resume or letter just right for someone to evoke a certain mood.... all of that to say, poetry & writing would not leave me, so I finally stopped shooing it away. Great post, I think I will take this comment and blog it... you so inspiring and sh*t, lol
eysqueen adds: we had a conversation yesterday about a book I'm reading that is supposed to help me stay motivated creatively. The book said something about God giving us the gift of creativity and that our purpose was to use it. So I paraphrased the book by saying that basically everytime we step away from our art, we are dissing God. My partner Alise promtply quoated a line from the color purple: "I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it. " If our art/creativity were the color purple, and we continue to walk by that field and never take notice, all of the sinning in the world wont have nothing on the flat out disrepect we are showing in our actions or ambivilance. We will never get into heaven at this rate....
*Nice blast from the past....*
On the radio she was asked about her opinion about a certain person, who will remain nameless because I don’t want you guys to get distracted by the potential propaganda of the whole thing. Instead I want to focus on the word she used to describe this person. She said this person had “wisdom”. She said that wisdom wasn’t necessarily an accumulation of knowledge or something gained by spending many years on earth, but rather a kind of ingrained genius, something you are born with and are able to use to your advantage. -- I’m totally paraphrasing all of this and hopefully I’m doing it some justice.-- It is how you problem solve and the means by which you get something done. I thought this was an interesting perspective. She wasn’t trying to redefine wisdom, she just put a spin on it, or rather she opened my eyes to an additional view of the concept of wisdom.
It made me think of when we say a child or young person is wise beyond their years, or that a young person has an old soul. I’ve met people who haven’t been around long, but carry with them a keen sense of how things operate and are able to cope or approach problems with a depth of knowledge that belays their accumulated years of experience.
So I give a shout out to Toni Morrison for keeping me on my toes, I may have to invest in Mercy when it hits the stores. I would also like to give praise to Paradise, a book that really spoke to me by Morrison. I highly recommend it.
I have a problem with lunch time secret stans also known as haters. People who want so bad to be part of the crowd but fell asleep during social interaction 101 and cant figure out a way to join the group so they throw hate my way.
Real life example #1 out of 562
At my job before the job I had before this one ;) I had a lady hate on me so much that she complained to our bosses boss about who I went out to lunch with. Since I was new at my job and only knew one person, guess who I had lunch with all the time, yes folks that one person I knew. I got called into my bosses boss’s office and was told that I couldn’t have lunch with my friend anymore. I couldn’t make this up ya’ll, really I couldn’t. There were some very real racial undertones to the whole thing as well, but rednecks, I mean racism aside it still had the same result, some bs.
Real life example #1a out of 562
At the same job, as the staff turned over, we got some more people closer to my age. I still refused to eat with the group, I couldn’t stand their lunchtime conversation so I stayed to myself. As the younger folks came on board, they too were dismayed at the lunchtime convo and chose to eat by themselves as well. The same lady then proceeded to say really mean and ugly things to them whenever she had the chance. A lady twice our age. hmmmmmm haters.
Real life example #2 out of 562
At my present job, I have folks who will hear us laughing in our designated area for eating lunch, open the door, state to us that we are really loud and that they could hear us all the way down the hall, then walk out leaving the door open. Really? Is that how grownups (they at least 10 yrs older than me) behave?
All of these people really want to be invited to the group. They really want in on the crowd. But what these people fail to realize is that there IS NO GROUP. That there is no club or secret handshake, walk yourself up to the table and sit down and we promise we wont make you leave. Good grief, I’m too old to be coddling adults. What is the problem?!
alise pops her head in: Speaking of lunch, peep "The Wire's" infinite wisdom about Chicken McNuggets, it is "The Wire" Friday's ya know...
There is no Santa Claus, he’s just a made up character, a symbol of everything commercialized and evil in this country. Xmas is the corporate man’s holiday made to make people spend all of their money and worship a fat white guy in a red suit.
but what about baby Jesus and the wise men and stuff???
We can still celebrate the birth of Christ without worshiping the fat man.
That would border on animal cruelty IF he were real, which he isn’t, and reindeer can’t fly.
And there began the scar that would stay with me, I mean the little black girl, FOREVER! Because for me, I remember believing so hard in Santa Claus that I thought I could really hear him on our roof. We didn’t have a chimney, but I knew Santy would make a way because I believed in magic and all things magical. I believed that it was possible for him to make it to all the children, especially the poor children who didn’t have anything and give them a little holiday cheer. I believed in impossible things and had no problem with that, I never worried. For me, Santy was my childhood equivalence to having faith. And my parents, in trying their best to prepare me for what was really going on, snatched the idea of faith of way. Then grandma would send me to Sunday school where they tried to re-instill that concept of faith in me once again, but I rejected it. I really didn’t believe anything an adult told me unless I could see it for myself, and since you cant see faith, well you can just imagine how this process went.
Eventually I got my faith back, I started to believe in miracles, higher powers and such intangible things. But really I want my Santy back. I want my unwavering belief in something inexplicable back. I want to believe in someone who has the best interests of all. I want to have these beliefs without a shadow of doubt, I want that child like imagination and ability to believe fully with no hindrances. I want my Santy back.
Originally posted 9/3/08:
This post has nothing to do with anything, but was inspired by this random as hell convo Tiha and I had yesterday after reading a post from craigslist,so just bear with my silliness! Let's just call it an early random Thursday, if ya gona be random you might as well be consistently random, that makes no sense so I am gonna shut up and just get to the damn blog......Here is part of the convo:
T 2U: i'm filling out ridiculously long applications
Alise: ugh, applications
T 2U: i think you shouldnt have to give all this info until they have an interest
Alise: if (and when) I have my own business there will be no applications
Alise: you'll have to send me the link to your blog and send me a playlist of your favorite songs
Alise: to work at the "Incense & Shit Emporium"
T2U: All that from the craigslist post I sent you?
Alise: inspiration comes in weird ways
Alise: and from weird people
T 2U: thanks!
I arrive at work and sit in my ergonomically f*cked swivel chair, turn on the CPU and begin the monotony that is WORK. But on this day the Cucicle Crusader forgot her Starbucks, d'oh, so she's feeling sleeeeeeeeeeeeeepy... she "rests her eyes" for just a second and this is what happened....
Okay, cue the smoke machine and gentle harp.... actually just press play and enjoy the nice song
"Dreams", by Little Brother
.... (Peep the chorus, "Mama I got dreams, but dreams don't keep the lights on...")
Wait, I 'll be right back we have to have a meeting on whether the smoke machine is in the budget......
Ok I'm back.... but suddenly I notice that I am on the corner of Moreland and Euclid (Little 5 Points, ATL). I guess I'm not in
)with a guitar and Tiha is behind me with a tambourine doing adlibs like Jeezy. I glance back in the storefront window and notice my locs are bright red and wild, there is an piercing in my eyebrow, and I have on a thousand different colors and the baddest shoes on the face of the planet, yeah planet..... I look up at the sign in the storefront window: "Alise's Liquor, Incense & Shit Emporium"... (ALISE)... Word! I own this shit! A sista walks past after noticing the Help Wanted sign in the window and asks me for an application... but this ain't no motherfriggin cubicle, so I politely to ask her to write down the link to her blog and to send me a sample playlist of all her favorite songs, if that ain't a judge of character then I don't know what is! The crackberry rings playing "Hip Hop" by dead prez as the ringtone........and... and.. and....
"Ring, ring", jolted from a fabulous daydream Alise answers the phone.... the voice on the other end says, "Are you coming to the production meeting?"....le sigh......
To quote the great poet Shawn Carter:
Look, I'm on my grind cousin, ain't got time for frontin'
Sensitive thugs, y'all all need hugs
As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I also work part time at a drug store. Well, yesterday I had to go a store meeting, (grrrrrrr, meetings), and I swear it was the most entertaining meeting I have ever been to. Let me introduce you to the two characters who provided me eternal joy:
Shift Supervisor (SS) - 40-ish black lady of short stature, sharp tongued, no nonsense, the epitome of a "I don't care what the fu*k you think" person, but weirdly she is silly and funny as hell to me.
Regla Ol' Cashier Gal (ROCG) - White
SS and ROCG bump heads on the daily, and it is hil-funny-larious as hell. ROCG is tragic and has been garnering sympathy from the head manager and other coworkers by saying she is being mistreated by SS (but in every other situation plays like she is super thug). In fact everyone in the store had tried to get that sympathy saying how overbearing and her attitude.... everyone EXCEPT myself and one other coworker. Do you know why? Instead of being a punk and allowing people with strong personalities (read: bitches) to continually talk to me badly or try to intimidate me, I tell them what they are doing and how I feel about it. I don't go crying to the manager. I also know that no retail job will ever be sunshine, rainbows, glitter, & sh*t, so I don't go in with high expectations anyway. I only bumped heads with SS one time, count 'em: 1 time, and in that same day I calmly went to her and told her I didn't like it and I was grown too and we have been cool as fan ever since. Why can't people do that before running to a manager or acting all punkish and crying? This made me think of a poem by a poet I love more that anything in this world: me.... lol... here goes:
Be careful of what you don't ask for…
You might not get it..
Closed mouths don't get fed
(Commonly true with minds as well)
Though I am very literate and quite the bookworm,
I still cannot read your mind.
So say what you mean…
Mean what you say…
Backbones are pretty cheap these days,
…….even with inflation and all.
How do you deal with these types of characters?
Damn right, no one cares about a 40-Degree day, and right now my days and weeks have been quite forgettable. I haven't been making the progress or strides I need to to fully change my situation. I have had to be more self-aware and "self-truthful" and curse and yell at myself like Stringer Bell did to Slim Charles and other guys in the clip. I need structure to accomplish things (I think I am ADD), so I am making a plan to end my string of 40-Degree Days.
I will do the following:
*Write a poem everyday, even if it is only 5 lines, a haiku, or on a napkin, just keep the creative juices flowing.
* Keep being consistent like I have been with this blog. (I am proud at myself for sticking to something)
*Write a paragraph everyday of the short story that has been initmidating me and scary @ me (c) Pretty Brown Girl
*Read an author or watch a performance of an artist that inspires me daily.
*Hit an open mic at least once every 2 weeks and push the hell out of this book.
*Keep y'all posted on what I am doing so y'all can kick me in the butt if I start slipping...
So the question to you guys: What are you doing to end (or avoid) a series of 40-Degree days?
- Bought an open box laptop to get a "deal" - FAIL
- $300 suit & jacket - EPIC PASS, Bought "mystery fabric" blouse to go under fabulous suit - EPIC FAIL
- $5 earrings - GREEN-EARED FAIL
- Aristocrat Vodka - NAUSEOUS MIGRAINE FAIL
All of the above examples to prove one thing: You get what you pay for. Lawd have mercy, ain't that the truth. If I was able to figure this out after a few non-life-altering fails, then why the h-e-double hockey sticks can't the MBA's and seasoned "businessmen" who run my company figure that out. I know I went to an HBCU and all, but I do know a little bit about a little bit. (jokes, HBCU's are the sh*t) Case and point, the production staff at my company are grossly underpaid. Operators that make $15/hr. + at similar companies make $10/hr. here, and very seldom get raises. Yet, the yahoos here can not figure out why morale and productivity are in the proverbial toilet, WC, outhouse, behind the bushes..... Okay, I'll stop, for now. They are even wondering why people are quitting left and right during a recession. Even if funds are low, at least show your folks some appreciation to at least give the semblance of giving a flock of seagulls about them. Seems like Business 101 to me, but I'm just a cog in the machine so I know nothing, silly me.
*Today I am the Moody Gremlin, I'll let Tiha take a day off from being that.*
1) I’m a celebrity that caught the game winning ball to win the super bowl, yada yada yada so everybody knows me, and is watching my every move because everyone knows a successful black man is an indictment waiting to happen. Let’s prove them right.
2) I bring a concealed weapon in to a club, because that’s the smart thing to do when I live under a spot light. Breaking laws in NYC isn’t the same unless I do it in front of everyone. And I don’t have the money to hire a body guard to carry the gun for me like Puffy did. Puffy’s not locked up, but Shine is…
3) I apparently didn’t take any gun safety classes before carrying this concealed weapon. I don’t know how to use this gun so maybe it was just for show, shoulda had the sense to take the clip out. No harm no foul right?
4) I shot myself. I’m an athlete who’s body is what brings me the big bucks, I practice, eat right, and wear nice clothes to protect my money maker, then I turn around an shoot myself. Career suicide in its sweetest form. I could’ve hit something important and ended my career. whatever.
5) Having recovered from being stupid and shooting myself, I now
may get jail time because I broke the law. Not only did I break the law, but I
brought in my teammate AND the hospital in on the cover up. Many folks are going to lose their jobs and get charges because I again failed to take firearm safety classes.
a 5 way fluck up.
What did Puffy say, more money more problems, how prolific. Maybe Puffy is wiser than I’ve been giving him credit for. Maybe Puffy is a good role model after all, how to be a black celebrity and a man and survive it all.
T 2U: he shits on me and i take it because I'm afraid to leave
alisenikkole: wow, what a metaphor
alisenikkole: but your mediocre expectation friends (read: coworkers) tell you well at least you got a man
T 2U: they sure do
alisenikkole: and it will take you getting beaten severely to finally leave
alisenikkole: if it don't kill you first
alisenikkole: read: stress
T2U: at least if i die I'll know it'll be the end
T 2U: instead of jumping into another abusive relationship
alisenikkole: break the cycle
T 2U: i'm afraid
T 2U: i'm nothing without him/it
alisenikkole: girl, you was something before, and you will be after
T 2U: he/it has me convinced that i'm not worth anything
alisenikkole: that's what I am here for, to encourage you
alisenikkole: you ARE some-body
alisenikkole: you can do better girrrrrrrrrrrl
alisenikkole: girl, your president is black
alisenikkole: that is gonna be my catch all response to everything
We were kidding around as usual, but Tiha kind of had a point
- Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding. - self explanatory
- Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships. - overworks and ignores the fact that you have a life outside of the job (i.e. making you work every holiday)
- Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly. - you have the boss you are constantly trying please to avoid their adult temper tantrums
- Abuses drugs or alcohol. - replace drugs and alcohol with power and greed
- Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. - the blame game where higher ups blame the little people (us) for everything to cover their ass when shit hits the fan.
- Has a history of bad relationships. - Blames you even though their track record sucks a big one.
.... and there were many more on the list, and they all seemed to apply. So like I told
Oh yeah, buy my book.... pleeeeeeeeeease.... (see upper right hand corner)
I haven’t seen the sun for days, just the misty grey that eerily reflects my motivation. Had I known the sun was going to go on holiday too, I would’ve paid more attention to it. Now that its back, I don’t know if I can still appreciate it. The grey mist has taken up residence like the dust bunnies under my bed. No amount of huffing, puffing, and blowing is going to get rid of it either. All of that hot air just moves it around. I need a high power vacuum for these bunnies and the grey clouds that have engulfed my soul. But seriously, I really do need a good vacuum.
*update: by the way, click on the tag Moody Gremlin and watch how many evil Tiha posts pop up, we gotta get her out of the cube fast.*