Snark Week: Forgiveness is for Suckas!

This week in response to Tiha's psychotic urging, we will be writing negatively about inherently good things (i.e. puppies, love, forgiveness, peace, wine) and positively about inherently bad things (racism, hate, murder, mayonnaise)... I know it is weird, but my blog partner is insane so let's just humor her...

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First topic I would like to victimize is forgiveness. Booooo! Forgiveness is for suckas! I also advocate two wrongs making a right just in case you wondered. I have seen many quotes about forgiveness such as:

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. ~Isaac Friedmann

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. ~Josh Billings

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. ~Oscar Wilde

Yeah, just like I thought, all the quotes are wack. I say get revenge. Some folks say wait around for karma to deal with unruly folks. I don't like Karma, she is never on time, I'm not patient. Patience is overrated too.

I like this quote:

It's far easier to forgive an enemy after you've got even with him.
~Olin Miller

That quote is more awesome than me, and that is pretty awesome. (Stop your side-eyes) I want to let out the negative energy and make the situation better by putting more negative energy into the atmosphere, that makes sense right? Don't cross Alise, she won't get over it, she'll get even. I even wrote a poem a while ago, wanna hear it , here it go:

Vigilante....

They say revenge is a dish best served cold,

but mine was blazing hot.....

Yeah I was hot!

Hot with:

Anger,

contempt,

frustration!

And I felt bad,

But not how you think:

I felt bad that I didn't feel bad about it!

This time 2 wrongs made it right..... to my ego anyway.

My feelings were impatient

I had no time to wait for karma...... I got places to go.....

I am tired of good people getting hurt,

So I took the law into my own hands.

Just call me an emotional vigilante....

So be a vigilante, take your forgiveness and shove it and you can forget about forgetting... un-Peace Y'all!

*This is all in jest... well mostly*



Check out some of our other Blog Series:

• Left To Our Own Literary Devices
• Seuss Deez
• Under the Influence
• Life Lessons Learned
• Wu are You?
  

"Act like a tennis shoe...."

"....and just do it..."
(c) "Doo Doo Brown" -2 Hype Brothers
(such profound and astute quotes, I know....)


someone asked me for advice. the cartoon below is a pretty good summation of what i told them:

Only thing is question was not about a job. It was about a toxic friendship. I don't even mean the run of the mill growing apart thing that usually happens around my age. It was a clear case of the fact that their friend was a complete and utter motherf.... shut yo mouf! This person went on and on forever about how this person was all types of not sh*t and various other colorful expletives, after 10 minutes in I grew agitated with the whole conversation. My answer was, [verbatim] "Tell her to exit stage left, and then you exit stage right." I received the typical response of, "But I love her we've been friends forever." ugh, that reeked of fail. I HATE, abhor, despise, and generally can't stand that response for anything. It is an unacceptable reason whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship, job, or to turn down a great oppurtunity. Sometimes it's good to be a quitter, as long as you are quitting strategically and quitting wack ass people. word. Just had to ge that off my chest... you know how i get to feeling some kinda way.

E-Thugs

As you may have figured out by now, my blog partner Tiha is usually the cranky, cantankerous, crabby one (I love alliteration :) ), but today I am going to borrow her e-soapbox and shoulder chip for a moment. (Hope you don't mind). I wrote a post a while back about Sensitive Thugs in the workplace.

I used the following quote form the poet Jay-Z:

Look, I'm on my grind cousin, ain't got time for frontin'
Sensitive thugs, y'all all need hugs

Now I must expose another pseudo-thug lurking out there (no, not Luvvie). It is the ubiquitous e-thug. What is an e-thug? So glad you asked! An e-thug is a vile venomous Vaudevillian villainous vexing (i like alliteration, sorry again) self important clown that sashays all over the internet. This character is one of the following:

• A spineless creature that goes and posts angry comments on blogs anonymously. Mostly these are people that don't feel good about themselves or missed a couple-few hugs over their lifetime, so they must make personal attacks against folks they don't even know. If you ever want to chat me up about something you don't like in my blog, hit me up with an email, Twitter direct message, or even a message in a bottle. I am a big girl, I can take it.
  
  
• A self proclaimed tough as nails person that cries like a little girl anytime someone says ANYTHING that is contrary to their opinion, even if not directed towards them. Grow a set, Ok.Thanks.Bye.
  
  
• The worst offender of them all is the super snarky individual who jokes on EVERYONE, like personal jabs, but gets all self righteous if you say something in jest to them. You can find these folks mainly on Twitter, I make it a point to unfollow these folks. I want to put my e-foot up their @sses, because I'm a real thug (in my mind anyway.)

So beware of these sneaky folks with murky auras making the internet a not-so-nice place to be sometimes. What types of folks on the internet irk you?

Keep in mind that I'm an artist....

"....and I'm sensitive 'bout my sh*t...." -Erykah Badu

Have you ever dated an artist and have been puzzled about some of their habits or tendencies? Are you an artist and can't understand why your non-artist mate (or ex-mate likely) didn't get you? Well have no fear, Ms. Naturally Alise is here to enlighten you and sh*t. It's what I do. Wu-Tang AND Alise is for the kids Here we go:

• Artists are "moody". Look at Tiha. Actually, I think moody is not a good word, so I think I will make one up to add to my personal lexicon. It's what I do. Let's say moodrospective... yeah, I like that. A mix of moody and introspective. A lot of times artists, particularly writers get into a zone and fixate on an idea and forget about being civil, polite, thoughtful, etc... Trust me, 87.7 %* of the time it is not personal. (that's an exact percentage, I interviewed Tiha, the E-posse, the mailman, and my cousin June Bug) Also keep in mind that a lot of artists are stuck in jobs completely opposite of what they really want to do and are therefore not happy in their current situation, that will make anyway a handfull. Look at Tiha (and me, le sigh...).

• Artists tend to be big flirts, but usually it unconscious. Usually an artist is having to peddle their own wares, so they are CONSTANTLY having to sell themselves (not literally you gutter dwellers) and push their product. Unless of course you are a subpar rapper with big budget promotion and an legion of ass kissers entourage . The phrase starving artist is uttered for a reason. (Dang, I am hungry as a hostage) So to deal with an artist you have to check your petty insecurities and jealousies at the door with your fancy Triple Fat Goose coat. Also you may have to pick up the check sometimes... hi-yoooooooo... I am corny, I know, it is an art.

• Artists need alone time. If you are overly needy don't date anyone until you get your self esteem together an artist. Especially when we are feeling moodrospective (see I used it already!), sometimes we just need our space, time to breathe, and be creative, like I said, "don't take it personal, take the bitter with the sweet, easy come, easy goooo... " (sorry had a Jermaine Jackson moment, that NEEEEEVVVVVER happens...).

• Artists need their egos stroked, yet, we do not want to be patronized, we want you to mean it, or at least make it believable. Yet, the funny thing is we will never accept the compliment. Example, my significant other will tell me a poem of mine is great, and I'll say something like, "Well it's okay, you REALLY like it?" ,"What lil' ol' me?," or "Ummmm, I guess, I've done better." Even though we will treat every compliment this way, keep on giving them, we really do like to hear it.

• Also to piggyback with the ego stroking ....... "I be stroking, that's what I be doin'". (Sorry, had a Clarence Carter moment, that happens ALL the time). Sorry, I lost my train of thought, you know I have no attention span, thanks a lot twitter. But no really, we also like you to ask about our art. Nothing makes us feel better than a genuine interest in what we have going on. Whether it is going to a show, asking about a painting, bringing up a chapter you like in our book, or humming a song we composed, it is always a plus.
  

That's what I've got for now, do you have any tips for dealing with artists, or if you are an artist what have you dealt with in relationships?

...discuss...

*zipping thru to add my 1.5 ¢, this also applies to friendships. if you are friends with an artist, i sure hope you are low maintenance because low is how much tolerence they have for people who take their attention away from their art... -eysqueen

What's Beef? or Hell yes, I shoot messengers.

Fun facts about the Natural one and the Eys (ice). Ying and Yang. Naturally Alise is a nice person. She is usually ready with a smile and comforting word (in public anyway). Eysqueen is not a nice person. She has zero tolerance for bs and is kinda blunt with hers (currently competing with PBG (author of Hey You Asked & SWHHW ) for the evilest blogger on this side of the net award, but is slipping daily. Hopefully this blog will bring her back up.).

With this said, I’m about to tear a whole into some bs that passed my screen the other day. I can’t stand manipulative people. These are people who don’t have the social grace or cajonas to say and do what they really want so they have to use people. They use people to express how they really feel. They use people to do the things they wish they could do. Someone has been manipulated on the outskirts of our world, the manipulated victim thusly tried to throw salt in our universe. It was all pretty transparent to me. So all I have to say is don’t let yourself be open to manipulation.

If someone who you ain’t cool with offers you a present, you are being manipulated.
If someone passes on to you information that no good can come of, that you can’t do anything about and has all around f*cked up your day, you have been manipulated.
If you find yourself with a birdie that is constantly squawking in your ear and you don’t know where the hell it came from and why it won’t shut up, you are being manipulated.

Now, evil Eys wanted to make a lesson out of said manipulated victim as a warning to the main manipulator, but nice Alise doesn’t subscribe to that kind of debauchery, and because she is my friend and I have to live with her on this blog, I’ll oblige.

I will say this, I’m not one to back down from confrontation, if the issue is about me. If it isn’t about me, I could care the f*ck less, so don’t bring it to me. I still might catch a case just because you are being stupid though. In other words don’t bring nonsense to me. If your beef is legit, meet me outside…

And don’t bring nonsense to my peeps, we ride or die and I’m always ready to ride…

Have a happy Friday ya’ll!

*Alise adds just for good measure, since it is "The Wire" Friday, picture this as Alise & Tiha instead of Bunk & Omar (yeah Tiha is crazy like Omar, lol)*

"The Wire" Fridays: The Main Event

vs.

In this corner weighing in at an undisclosed weight is the Side Eye of Death & Cubicle Heavyweight Champion of the World: Naturalllllllllllllllllllly Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise....

In the other corner weighing in at a buck 0-5 wet is the Mr. Burns Lookalike Operations Manageerrrrrrrrrrr....

Let's get ready to rumbbbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllllllle.....




Alise : Morning
Alise : Girl, I wrote a bog last night, and my laptop ran out of power and i lost it
Alise :
Alise : it was good too
Alise : oh well back to the drawing board
T 2U :awwwww
T 2U :just got out of a waste of my time meeting
Alise : booooooooo
T 2U: par for the course
Alise : yup
T 2U : i just realized something
T 2U : my boss is sexist
T 2U : when my male coworker gets to venting he just listens and is calm
T 2U : when my boss pisses me off and asks how i really feel, he gets indignant and jumps down my throat
T 2U : like an intimidation thing, but i'm not intimidated by him, just disgusted
T 2U : hmmm
T 2U : not gonna let it boggle my mind
Alise : girl my blog was about an incident yesterday
Alise : I go to the production manager for a request of vital information that i need for my account
Alise : been hounding him about it for 2 weeks now
Alise : he pushes back, over something so dumb
Alise : and easy
Alise : so i have to pull my manager into it
Alise : she asks him the same exact question verbatim
Alise : and he might as well have shucked and jived to get her the answer
Alise : I'm like why make it get to that point
Alise : he could have deaded this situation 2 weeks ago
Alise : but now i gotta be a snitch bc you are a dumb ass
Alise : and i made sure he saw the contempt and hatred in my eyes
Alise : i did like Top Model in reverse: I frowned with my eyes
T 2U : lol!
T 2U : i so hate stupid high school personal sh*t like that
T 2U : and he was being an ass because it was you
T 2U : is he a white guy?
Alise : yup
Alise : we go thru this with every little thing
Alise : but yet if he wants something from me he has a fit if i dont jump up right at that second and drop what i'm doing
Alise : f*ck him
Alise : cracka ass cracka
T 2U : do something unexpected him and buy him some donuts
Alise : no, i will not buy young Mr Burns shit
Alise : wit his frail ass
Alise : i'll snap him in two
Alise : snap
Alise : he do need a donut though, and a biscuit
Alise : with extra jelly
T 2U : i mean, can you really continue to be shitty to someone who gives you donuts?
T 2U : or you could snap him in 2
Alise : lol
Alise : he has the worst disposition of any man i have ever met
Alise : he acts like a whiny bitch
Alise : i think he would somehow find fault with the donuts
Alise : and create a lie world around the motives of said dounuts
Alise : he grinds my gears
Alise : oh my bad, he is the Operations Manager, so he's a kinda big shot... i guess
Alise : but he got the same boss as me
T 2U : HA!!!!!
T 2U : so what is his problem with you?
T 2U : he's not your subordinate?
Alise : so when i go get a manager: it is the VP
Alise : we are equals
Alise : we are not in the same dept if that makes sense
Alise : he is over operations, i am over this particular account
Alise : so we are supposed to work hand in hand
Alise : support each other
Alise : [insert side-eye of death]
T 2U : so i dont understand what his problem is
Alise : this convo may be my blog
Alise : minus the cracka ass cracka
T 2U: lol, hehehe leave it in
Alise: ok, lol


Check out the clip following this last IM exchange:

Alise : i am going to put in a The Wire video that has nothing to do with the blog, just bc it has a boxing scene in it
Alise: well i guess that would make it relevant though, duh...
T 2U: yes it would
T 2U: lol

Some Kinda Way?

I think my blog partner and I inadvertently made a theme for the week, Emotions. *cue the Carl Thomas* All this month/year/life I have "felt some kinda way". I actually posted this series of face book statuses this week:





I started to wonder: "What the hell does that even mean?" I say it so often that I think I have sucked all the life out of my little phrase. My definition for it is when I feel an emotion I have no name for. Kind of like when you aren't sad, but not particularly happy either. I can't call it indifferent, because I feel SOMEthing. My "feeling some kinda way" is similar to Tiha's blues, it is when I am the most creative and productive. I do not produce well on Cloud 9, I think it has something to do with the altitude, *shrugging*. Seriously though, if you were to check out my other blog you will notice when I am feeling confused or "le sigh" is when the best (in my opinion, which ain't a bad opinion at all) ,most intimate, and most relatable to my fans (all 4 of them). So I retract my response on facebook , I now say, "Feeling some kinda way BETTER be turned into something good or it is just a waste"

Moody Blue and the Artist in You

As an artist, (and I refer to myself as one all the time, I put it in writing and purport it upon meeting new people), I tend to get moody, I get down in the dumps, I get blue dammit. Now I understand that for some people, being bummed or depressed can be the worst thing in the world. They try everything in their power never to feel that low. For a person like me, its just a part of life. When I get down, and I mean not down because the Cowboys got the crap beat out of them the other night, but really DOWN, I kind of revel in it. I almost celebrate it. I close myself off from anyone and anything that may try to drag me out of it. I close the door, turn off the phone, and just be with moody me. These down times give me a chance to take a listen and converse with the different parts of me that I tend to suppress during the day. Kind of like a one on one session with the darker sides of me. The insecure one, the angry one, the fearful one, the horny one, the shy one. I get all down and dirty with these folks and we hash it out. I make deals with them, compromises and bribes. After all is said and done, I come back out feeling more settled and aware of myself. Now of course, if I’d taken the time to do this more often, I probably wouldn’t get so down and have to block off days, sometimes months to hash it out. But I’m getting better at listening to myself, and my down time is becoming less.

I don’t see anything wrong with being bummed out sometimes. Having been seriously depressed at one time in my life, I do know the difference, and I know all of the catchy terms for it too to give to the insurance company ;)

Now for all of you out there who just cant get down with being down, I have an injection of silver on this cloud for you (in my own sick and twisted way). The more we artists (and no I’m not speaking for all artists, just the ones I know and run with) get our personal time to be down, the more art we can produce for your consumption. Some of us produce from personal insight, so leave us alone so we can purge some content from our tortured souls. whooaaa, this post took a strange a little turn there. Let me get back to the point.

Love the artists in your lives, love yourselves, and let it do what it do! (yeah that’s the point)

You Send Me Swingin'....

Okay, I know I said I was going to answer Tiha's blog from last week, but I can't, because I am moody and in a weird place, so it is hard for me to focus right now. So, with that being said, my blog partner and I were chatting on IM today, as usual, and went off an an interesting tangent. She was lamenting about her current mind state. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

alisenikkole: how goes it?
T 2U: you know sometimes, i get tired of being a moody artist ruled by her emotions
T 2U: sometimes i want to be like a drone and be able to just shut it off, the emotional stuff
T 2U: sometimes i want to be a lemming and be able to go along with no problems
T 2U: that is how it is going for me
alisenikkole: dang..... i get to feeling like that sometimes myself, particularly this past weekend... I guess that's the whole ignorance is bliss idea of thinking with the whole rather be a lemming hing
alisenikkole: and u think that's what u want, but you don't, there's a whole other set of feelings attached when you go thru life like that, so basically i am saying:
alisenikkole: we are all screwed, lol
T 2U: lol!

All of this to say, how does an artist deal with the moodiness, weirdness, depression, or whatever you want to call it without alienating everyone/thing? Also, does anyone else feel this way too? (Seriously, we would like some feedback on this one, remember this is our therapy and sh*t....)


And since I referenced the song, here it is:

U Send Me Swingin - Mint Condition

FAIL.

*Alise exiting stage left ASAP: not fail*

• Bought an open box laptop to get a "deal" - FAIL
• $300 suit & jacket - EPIC PASS, Bought "mystery fabric" blouse to go under fabulous suit - EPIC FAIL
• $5 earrings - GREEN-EARED FAIL
• Aristocrat Vodka - NAUSEOUS MIGRAINE FAIL
  
  
  All of the above examples to prove one thing: You get what you pay for. Lawd have mercy, ain't that the truth. If I was able to figure this out after a few non-life-altering fails, then why the h-e-double hockey sticks can't the MBA's and seasoned "businessmen" who run my company figure that out. I know I went to an HBCU and all, but I do know a little bit about a little bit. (jokes, HBCU's are the sh*t) Case and point, the production staff at my company are grossly underpaid. Operators that make $15/hr. + at similar companies make $10/hr. here, and very seldom get raises. Yet, the yahoos here can not figure out why morale and productivity are in the proverbial toilet, WC, outhouse, behind the bushes..... Okay, I'll stop, for now. They are even wondering why people are quitting left and right during a recession. Even if funds are low, at least show your folks some appreciation to at least give the semblance of giving a flock of seagulls about them. Seems like Business 101 to me, but I'm just a cog in the machine so I know nothing, silly me.
  
  *Today I am the Moody Gremlin, I'll let Tiha take a day off from being that.*
  

Break the Cycle

*I'm so witty and sh*t.... okay, maybe not, but humor me a little*

T 2U: i'm in an abusive relationship with my supervisor
T 2U: he shits on me and i take it because I'm afraid to leave
alisenikkole: wow, what a metaphor
alisenikkole: but your mediocre expectation friends (read: coworkers) tell you well at least you got a man
T 2U: they sure do
alisenikkole: and it will take you getting beaten severely to finally leave
alisenikkole: if it don't kill you first
alisenikkole: read: stress
T2U: at least if i die I'll know it'll be the end
T 2U: instead of jumping into another abusive relationship
alisenikkole: break the cycle
T 2U: i'm afraid
T 2U: i'm nothing without him/it
alisenikkole: girl, you was something before, and you will be after
T 2U: he/it has me convinced that i'm not worth anything
alisenikkole: that's what I am here for, to encourage you
alisenikkole: you ARE some-body
alisenikkole: you can do better girrrrrrrrrrrl
T2U: lol
T2U: i
T2U: can
T2U: do
T2U: better
alisenikkole: girl, your president is black
alisenikkole: that is gonna be my catch all response to everything


We were kidding around as usual, but Tiha kind of had a point for a change. When we put ourselves in situations that we have control over that are toxic, then we are in a sense in an abusive relationship. We will let these situations, be it jobs, friendships, or organizations continue on for appearances. We will let mediocre expectation having folks talk us into letting complacency continue to whoop our asses, but keep going back like a good little lemming. I went to a website to pull an example of the signs of a n abusive relationship, and I swear they fit the same profile of an "abusive work relationship". I will analyze a few off the list:

• Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding. - self explanatory

• Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships. - overworks and ignores the fact that you have a life outside of the job (i.e. making you work every holiday)

• Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly. - you have the boss you are constantly trying please to avoid their adult temper tantrums

• Abuses drugs or alcohol. - replace drugs and alcohol with power and greed

• Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. - the blame game where higher ups blame the little people (us) for everything to cover their ass when shit hits the fan.

• Has a history of bad relationships. - Blames you even though their track record sucks a big one.

.... and there were many more on the list, and they all seemed to apply. So like I told the Moody Gremlin Tiha, "break the cycle." I am glad I am finally starting to follow my own advice.

P.S.
Oh yeah, buy my book.... pleeeeeeeeeease.... (see upper right hand corner)

Frost on the Peaches

*gotta love Google images....*

It’s cold here in the land of peaches and pecans. Not like Beantown cold, but cold enough to piss me off and cool my anger to the point that I cant even create steam. Throwing wet blankets, synchronizing rain clouds over my parade, whatever cliché you can attach to the weather messing with my mood, please proceed to apply right here x___________________________________.

I haven’t seen the sun for days, just the misty grey that eerily reflects my motivation. Had I known the sun was going to go on holiday too, I would’ve paid more attention to it. Now that its back, I don’t know if I can still appreciate it. The grey mist has taken up residence like the dust bunnies under my bed. No amount of huffing, puffing, and blowing is going to get rid of it either. All of that hot air just moves it around. I need a high power vacuum for these bunnies and the grey clouds that have engulfed my soul. But seriously, I really do need a good vacuum.


*update: by the way, click on the tag Moody Gremlin and watch how many evil Tiha posts pop up, we gotta get her out of the cube fast.*

*Isn't this hot??!!*

It's Monday Ya'll

It’s Monday which means meetings, meetings, putting out other people’s fires, and more meetings. We apologize for the delay in a Monday morning post. The real world is calling us, and clicking the off button is just not enough. :(

Naturally Alise says: But I will infuse some positivity into this sucky morning by convincing myself letting you know that it'll be alright. Enjoy the video below:

A Friendly Friday Roast....

*Let me infuse some positivity back into the blog with this video since Tiha aka The Moody Gremlin is on her furloughed Friday adventure and I have back control of the blog.

Okay, now to the negativity, lol..... Since Tiha is gone today I shall take this day to roast my good ol' buddy ol' pal... The many faces of Tiha, a retrospect in pictures:

*All week my partner in (c)rhyme has been Schleprock...



*Under normal circumstances she can usually pull off this act.



*But the cube has caused the real "gremlin in Gizmo's clothing" to pop out on the regular:



*She has been ranting and raving:






*Making faces at small children (well the people at her job who have brains of small children)

*And encouraging my conspiracy theories:

T 2U: they be monitoring what we type
T 2U: always watching , conspiracy
Alise: you know what else is a conspiracy?
Alise: those discount cards from the grocery store and other places
T 2U: i know where this is going
T 2U: but please continue
Alise: they have all your buying habits logged in a system
Alise: along with name
Alise: address
Alise: phone number
Alise: and demographics
T 2U: just great
Alise: then add to that library cards
Alise: myspace
Alise: blogger
Alise: and itunes (i just randomly threw that in, lol)
T 2U: they didn't have to tattoo the bar codes to us
simultaneously:T 2U: we carry them willingly on our key chains Alise: we carry them on our keychains
Alise: dang sick minds think alike
T 2U: dammit
T 2U: the brand new heavies be delivering the hits
T 2U: always
Alise: that was a random ass artist mention.... ???

Have a great Friday everyone!!!

*dude, i'm sitting right here... -tiha

Thursday Rant: Do you know what really grinds my gears?

1. When I have on my headphones and people try to talk to me. If I don’t have the common courtesy to take them off when you approach me, I probably don’t have the desire to hear anything you have to say.

2. When I’m really concentrating hard at work to design and people are standing around having loud, long conversations. Genius at work, shut the f* up! And all they’re talking about is how stupid they are because they couldn’t figure something out and how they had to come to my section to begin with.

3. When ignorant a** people try to sound intellectual and smart. At no time is it ok to refer to a deadly disease as “The Aids”. Especially if you used to be a healthcare provider.

And this concludes my rendition of what really grinds my gears*. Thank you.

Signed,
The Moody Gremlin

*the Grind my Gears originator Luvvie


Dear Moody Gremlin,
This is my solution to all of the things that grind your gears:

1. Do like the below video and make them folks think you are crazy:


2. Do like the above video and make them folks think you are crazy
3. Throat punch.* *

Signed,
Alise aka The Unicorn Wrangler

**Shouts to miss-t-lee

Oh, the places Tiha wants to leave!

Yesterday my partner in (c)rhyme wrote a wonderfully positive piece about the places she would like to go. Today, as the moody gremlin, I would like to share my perspective on all the reasons I would like to leave the south. Be prepared, this ain't no happy blog, so hold on tight while I take you to the dark side of the moon.

intro:

(10/21/08, 7:58 am)
Alise : good morning and shit
T 2U : early morning at the office does not mix well with you, lmao
Alise: no, it gives me flashbacks to when i used to do 70 hour weeks
Alise : and i am so not a morning person
Alise : grrrrrrr
T 2U : awww poor thang
Alise : but i aint no punk i'll be alright
T 2U : and you worked last night right?
Alise : i did work last night, if you want to call it working
Alise : last night was a bullshit night if i ever did see one
T 2U : i liked your blog. it was so positive. i'm going to have to postpone my dark evil blog for another day
T 2U : let your blog shine and shit
Alise : hee hee
Alise : but on the real though, why Lupe Fiasco get to fly to work on a Pegasus, but I gotta ride to work on a pheasant???
Alise : why he get the mythical creature and i get the real animal with the dumb name ???
Alise : ok i am shutting up ....
T 2U : because he followed his dream and reached up out of the box
T 2U : you still in a box
T 2U : so you get a pheasant *
Alise : oh... , nice way to brigthen my day**

*that is a pheasant below, looks dumb doesn't it?:

** Tiha is evil and must be destroyed

As the quasi quintessential roaming gnome, I’ve lived a few places in my life. I grew up in Boston, born and raised Yankee through and through. I got my degrees in North Carolina, spent about 10 years there, and I’ve been an official grown up here in Atlanta (had the big 30 bday and everything). But as with any good thing, it must end, and so goes my time in the South. The South has its charm, any southerner can attest to that. There are things that attracted me to the South, things that I wasn’t getting back home in NE (new england). However, there are things that I can no longer tolerate or flat out cant stand about the south, and after living here for over 10 years, I’m ready to go! So here is my list of reasons why I hate the south (I can hear the southern drawls already, bout to cuss me out in their slow drawn out way, twangs thumping against my eardrum making my teeth itch. I’m sorry country bumpkins, but enough is enough, this mess ain't cute anymore):

Why I hate the south (and gotta get the heck out!)

• bassackwards thinking is not progressive enough for me
• they never run out of light bulbs because there is a surplus of unused ideas
• people deathly afraid of change and progress
• minds so small and narrow a dime couldn’t squeeze through it
• the charm short lived
• the accents are short lived, its just not cute to me anymore
• being made aware of my color and how my color defines me aggravates me
• stepping outside of said definition or stereotype bites me in the butt every time
• afraid to eat fried chicken and watermelon in public, I’m so serious
• big a** bugs
• no insulation in the houses! yes I do have an issue with non insulated houses, especially when we are all trying to conserve and stuff. But that just goes back to the new ideas and change type thing. A hundred reasons why NOT to move forward.
• I’m so afraid to leave the city limits because of the country folks I might meet beyond the bright lights.
• white folks scare me down here
• doing “white things” are frowned upon by black folks doing nothing…hmmm
• I get called weird for doing things different, sometimes doing things logical…I’m not weird, just progressive, and not southern
• lack of cultural diversity
• should I even talk about the flag hanging high by the side that lost…..

I’m sure a few things on the list are universal, I’m sure stupid is stupid no matter where I go, but since this list is bashing the south, I gotta throw it in there. This is my rant, this is my rave, it could have been a whole lot longer, but I think I’ll keep it short and sweet. Enjoy!