I’m here today to report on what its like as a survivor of layoffs. I’m one of the ones who haven’t been hit by the ax, this is not to say that it wont still happen, but for now I’m still here.
As a survivor, I’ve been going through a whole host of emotions. On the day of the ax drop, I remember jumping every time the phone rang thinking it was my turn next. I remember seeing the faces of the peeps I actually like, tell me that they were going away. I remember how strong they were that day, and how terribly weak I was. I showed on my face what they, perhaps, were feeling, I just couldn’t hide it. My peeps are strong people, they are good people, and they are used to surviving, so they really did handle it as best as could be expected. Not so much for the cubicle crusader. At one point I had to have someone take me outside, the tension was just too thick and the bs of it all was too much. Later that week and still even up until today I was angry. I felt guilty because I was indeed still there. I have a job, they didn’t. Why them and not me? Who was making the decisions? I mean tons of questions. I had to check myself though and fall back onto my faith. It made no sense to continue to ask questions about stuff that was beyond my control, especially since I’m not the writer of anyone’s destiny, including my own. I felt bad for questioning the “plan”, it’s not my plan. And as events began to unfold in the lives of the axed ones, things started to make sense. Yes they had lost their jobs, but for my peeps, other things started to open for them, other avenues, and other opportunities. And my peeps and I would always talk about what we would do if we didn’t have to be here. And slowly, but surely, some things are coming to light for them. Now I won’t say all of them have seen the light yet, some have seen a glimmer, some have seen the whole beam, but all have been scarred by past misfortunes and all are apprehensive of stepping out of their comfort zone, even though the comfort has been snatched out from under them.
So I’ve taken it upon myself to support my peeps in their future endeavors. I’m that lil silver lining that reminds them that this is what they wanted, this is what they asked for and that it is ok to pursue it. Mildly altruistic, but mainly selfish, my efforts to be their personal cheerleader is helping me get over my guilt of being a survivor. I’m also focusing on what plans may be in store for me. I mean I have no idea what’s coming my way, which of course causes stress, but I’m sitting back and putting myself in a place mentally and emotionally, to be receptive of my marching orders.
Tough times in the cube when you are the last one standing…