Letter to Art

Dear Art,

once again I’ve made you an option instead of my priority. I keep pushing you away and begging you to come back. And you take me back every time, but I know I can’t keep treating you like this. You don’t deserve my occasional consideration. I vow to make a space in my heart, house, and life for you, forever more. Just say you’ll stay…

Nathaniel Anthony Ayers JR said “I am NOT your boy”.

I am of course referring to the main character of The Soloist, played by Jamie Fox who is working on another Oscar, yeah he was that good. This line from the movie was uttered by Mr. Ayers during a confrontation with the movie’s other main character, Steve Lopez, a journalist. He was referring to how he felt about all of the “help” Lopez had been giving him lately, and in his schizophrenic mind, he was feeling kind of used. For those who haven’t seen the movie, I wont spoil anything, I’ll just take this moment to talk about myself ;)

I feel the same way sometimes, that I am not an artist puppet to be used to produce works for the masses. I’ve recently been back to creating works, after a very long hiatus. One of the reasons I didn’t pursue a career in graphic design, what I went to school for, was because I didn’t like how I felt after creating a piece for some commercial entity. I felt like I was pimped. I felt like a used condom. And there is no amount of money in this world that would be enough to cover the loss of my self respect. Yeah it means just that much to me. So anyway, lately as I’ve been painting my little heart out, kind and wonderful people around me, who’ve seen my stuff, keep encouraging me to sell it. I’ve had offers around town to put my art in galleries to be sold. This is wonderful, this is great, but the timing sucks ass. I’m just not ready for all that yet. The world is ready for me, I see, but I am clearly not ready for the world. I still have my wounds from my previous experiences as a graphic design whore. I think I have an artistic STD (I’m Still Touchy Dammit) from all the whoring I’ve had to do with my art over the years. I would love to get to a place where I wouldn’t cry to see my pieces go, but as of right now? My art, my paintings, are like my appendages, and sorry honey, I haven’t gotten the regenerative thing down pat yet. I just can’t let go.

*starfish can grow a new one

You Send Me Swingin'....

Okay, I know I said I was going to answer Tiha's blog from last week, but I can't, because I am moody and in a weird place, so it is hard for me to focus right now. So, with that being said, my blog partner and I were chatting on IM today, as usual, and went off an an interesting tangent. She was lamenting about her current mind state. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

alisenikkole: how goes it?
T 2U: you know sometimes, i get tired of being a moody artist ruled by her emotions
T 2U: sometimes i want to be like a drone and be able to just shut it off, the emotional stuff
T 2U: sometimes i want to be a lemming and be able to go along with no problems
T 2U: that is how it is going for me
alisenikkole: dang..... i get to feeling like that sometimes myself, particularly this past weekend... I guess that's the whole ignorance is bliss idea of thinking with the whole rather be a lemming hing
alisenikkole: and u think that's what u want, but you don't, there's a whole other set of feelings attached when you go thru life like that, so basically i am saying:
alisenikkole: we are all screwed, lol
T 2U: lol!

All of this to say, how does an artist deal with the moodiness, weirdness, depression, or whatever you want to call it without alienating everyone/thing? Also, does anyone else feel this way too? (Seriously, we would like some feedback on this one, remember this is our therapy and sh*t....)


And since I referenced the song, here it is:

U Send Me Swingin - Mint Condition