Things this Angry Black Woman Hates

Today’s segment is about the Overcaffeinated-underweight*-angry white women. OMG! I have a three-parter for this.

#1 In line at the coffee shop. These women get all up on me in line, all up in my personal space, and I truly believe in the 3 feet rule, back the hell up! Often times these women become a victim to my elbow of death. If you are so close that when I jerk my elbow back, you get a sharp jab in your ribs (and the ribs are very close to the surface because you are dieting you health away), you are too damn close! And invading my space and deserve whatever bodily injuries you get. This pretty much occurs in any line I’m in, but I especially notice it in the coffee line, when I’m at my most evil.

#2 Tailgating SUV in the rain. When I drive I alternate between cruising and flying like a bat out of hell. However, in the rain, in Atlanta, I slow my tail down and drive with some sense and enough space between me and the person in front of me. And then I see very closely in my rearview mirror, soccer mom in her huge SUV bearing down behind me. I think to myself, if I were to brake check her, that would be one hell of a law suit because there is no way, according to physics class and the laws of gravity that an SUV, driving fast, on a wet surface, can slow itself down fast enough not to crash into me, or hydroplane and cause me to hyperventilate as they swerve off the road behind me. No way Jose. And I also believe that you have to maintain some kind of cool to operate a SUV period, maybe I watch too many rap videos. All I know is that a skinny white woman behind the wheel of a SUV is always cause for concern, rain or no rain.

#3 Intimidation at the gym. OMG these women no longer have any fear of us. Especially at the gym. These fools will try to strong eye me when I’m huffing and puffing on a piece of equipment at the gym. I look at their lean bony figures and then up at them and am like “really?” I need to be on this machine a whole heck of a lot more than you, sweetie. They get down right crazy at the gym ya’ll, its not a game to them. And that is wonderful, I’m all for keeping in shape, but trying to rush my chunky tail off equipment is grounds for an old school butt whoopin in the parking lot. I refuse to be pressured by one of them. I thought they were afraid of us?


*I used to be an underweight woman, so I can talk mess, and call them any kind of name I want, lord knows I had to hear it back then. just perpetuating the ignorance.
**I wanted to provide a hand drawn illustration for this piece, but I’m too busy…