Secret Wars

It’s been awhile. I’ve been waging a secret war, me against the world, while I’ve been away. I had to make a decision that set me back in one way, but hopes to bring me forward when it’s all said and done. I’m a corporate creep now. I’ve been one since I stopped writing this blog, because as some of you may know, once you go corporate, you die. Going corporate, it’s like selling your soul, and every day that you clock over 8 hrs to finish a project, everyday that you get up early to get a head start on a new project, everyday that you leave a bit of your old, non corporate, carefree creative self behind, you die a little. Your cute lil bunny soft soul gets sucked out of your body, leaving dark circles around the peepholes to your soul. The dark circles are the skid marks your soul leaves behind as it exits, just to confirm with you that this just ain’t right. BUT all is not lost. I made this decision in order to finance my academic chess move. You see, I wish to take over the world help people through mental health counseling. I also wish not to be broke as I do this, or to have to take out more student loans. I followed the money and am using it for the greater good. This is what I tell myself every day. Please let me believe it.

So what have I learned since becoming a corporate creep?

Corporate is for the young woman. I am not young. I do not have the stamina, energy, or the desire to be a corporate rock star. Irony alert: of all the sectors of work I’ve clocked into, this is the only one I’ve progressed within the most, without really trying. I became a corporate rock star. Don’t want the fame though, definitely didn’t want the blackberry, and most certainly don’t want to be the go to girl with all the answers. But I am. And I’m crying.

Corporate has its own sense of what constitutes an “emergency”. To me, as a normal girl from Saturn, and a future mental health professional, I think of an emergency as life and death, severed limbs, pints of blood, homicidal inclinations and suicide attempts. This may be a bit extreme, but if you work in social services or hospitals, or schools, this is status quo. Corporate believes reports, PowerPoint presentations and memos are emergencies. All antiquated forms of communication if you ask me. If you can’t say it in 5 sentences, or better yet 5 minutes, then it doesn’t need to be said. This also means you have to have competent professionals working for you. This is why I’m a rock star at work. This is why I don’t quite fit at work as well. I do not believe in their emergencies. I just look at them like they are crazy when they come at me wrapped up in chaos. Like pigpen, they come around me tracking their dust, muss and fuss. Like pigpen I show them the door and whip out my Oreck. Then I come up with a solution 5 minutes later. Send them an email. Problem solved. This is why they keep me around. This is why I want to run away.

I’d rather solve the problem of a suicidal homosexual teenager. I’d rather assist an abused wife gain some self esteem so she can do better for her children. I’d rather help a Vet work through his or her PTSD so that they can regain some semblance of a quality of life. I’d rather heal the world, than burn the last of my brain cells helping pinheads compound numbers for a data analysis that I was never supposed to be a part of that they are just going to manipulate the numbers for anyway.

My secret war is to keep convincing myself that this is for the best until I can do better. My secret war is to keep my soul from leaking out of my tear ducts every time I shed a tear over the idiot circus that surrounds me. I mustn’t cry.